Drugs or no drugs, we can atrophy our brain in a myriad of ways. But we all do this one ā the endless, meaningless, empty scroll of all things app. Pleasure overload. Easy escapism. Thinking that iāve lost years of my life to these things makes my stomach churn. Iām looking for an alternative, a way to live lifeā¦ purely? Void of noise and the magnetic pull of a phone.
Reading has been my respite.
We live in a time where there simply is no delay between desire and gratification. If you want it. You get it. Everyone is a genius. Hot and stylish. On the bleeding edge. We all know where Tom Petty is from.
I wonder. I wonder. I wonderā¦ until our collective minds.. just.. stop.. working.
Blind nostalgia and yearning for the way it used to be is also boring. But I have perfected the art. Watch a bar scene from a movie made thirty years ago, any one will suffice ā and life just seems more full, more alive. Sure. Itās a movie numb-nuts, I know. But suspend your disbelief with me for a second. Dancing, talking, fighting, meeting new people, having sex with a stranger, disagreeing about anything ā ah, refreshing.
How can we begin to feel more. To feel again. To widen the gap between desire and pleasure. To remind ourselves of what itās like to live in the pleasant discomfort of boredom, of not knowing. Comfortable with complacency. With not sharing our every thought. Wipe it clean. Become born again. Iām all ears.
Iām Dancing As Fast As I Can is Barbara Gordonās journey to feel again. Itās a memoir of a person I had no previous exposure to ā an Emmy award winning CBS documentary producer in the 70ās. Weāve really hit peak fringe havenāt we?
I am drawn to a downward spiral. Relieved by the hopeful redemption. This was a journey through hell, spurned by a doctorās sage advice to quit her ten year valium addiction cold turkey. Not good advice.
The ensuing trip is a heavy, gorgeously written, vulnerable masterpiece. A surprising addition to my all time favorite memoir folder.
Like Barbara, weāre all dancing as fast as we can. Cha-chaāing towards success, pleasure, forward progress, scrolling and liking our little lives away ā burning up the fucking dance floor. But the desire to change, whatever behavior, is the inciting incident in the plot of your life. Never forget it.
**The film adaptation came out in 1982. I have yet to watch, so I am unable to vouch.